Mark Twain’s
The Notorious Jumping Frog of Calaveras County CONTINUED
November 30th, 2006




“Well, thish-yer Smiley had a yaller one-eyed cow that didn’t have no tail, only jest a short stump like a bannanner and a rough lookin’ snout that made em look like Hermen Melville himself, before he wrote that Whale Story o’ course. He’d drag that cow all over town, but she was so dag-gon stubborn she wudn’t budge this way or that without proper means. By golly If there weren’t a bushel uh hay in er troff, she’d just rather starve herself that night instead of movin’ o’er to eat what was there.

What she was good for was kickin’. Smiley entered her in all these cow fighin’ compuhtitions and she’d win em all. Only problem was he’d haff to start haulin her o’er to the shows three days b’fore so they’d get there in time. But that heffers unshortcommins were worth it. He’d train her with a long rope and a bag of mudd from the pond, hangin it up on a tree. He’d pull that cow over and yell “KICK BESSIE, KICK!” and she’d start movin back in forth until her hind legs nearly kicked that daggon tree over, not to mention that dirtbag would be on the groun’ crien for its mamma.

On un' partikular cow kickin contest Smiley was chatterin with som guys and they wer all braggin bout Jonny O’Whitman’s amazin cow, that it could just stare and stare for hours at nothin’. It could win any daggon starrin contest. Smiley jus cudnt resist. He jumped right on in there an told em all his cow could outstare any cow in that county. Heck, in the state, even the whole country! His cow Bessie could look a robber right in the eye, jus stare it down n such til that robber ran away thinking it was lookin’ at the devil im'self. An so the bet was on. Smiley ran on over to his cow, quickwitted like to see what he cud do to magically train his kickin’ cow how to be a starin cow. She was already lazy enuff. By golly she could win a starrin contest, specially with 20 dollers of his on the line. Smiley ripped off a piece of his shirt, and put it over his cows good eye.

See, his Bessie was born with no left eye. So he put that clothing over the right eye, and put in her empty left eye socket a blue rock he found. It looked jus like the real thing I tell ya! That Smiley had it, an he had it good. He tested Bessie, looking at er straight in the “eye” and it was perfect. So he hauled that lazy heffer o’er to the fences where he found the braggers in the firs place, and there was Jonny with this brown and white cow lookin’ all starrin-ish-like an swattin’ flies with its tail. Those two cows just stared and stared for hours. Neither one wud wink an eye. Smiley started gettinD’ nervous like, until he had a gud idear. He membered about tyin’ those dirtbags up to the trees, and how Bessie wud rock around back in’ forth, so he knew jus wut to do. He yelled out, “KICK BESSIE KICK” and that heffer started swayin back in’ forth until she started kickin her legs up, and that brown and white cow got so scared he nearly turned around tail runnin’, blinkin’ every which way an that. Jonny started screamin’ outraged. That yaller one-eyed cow sure did beat em’ good. Smiley got off with 40 biguns, too. Just like the time he bet that his orange-gray-nblack cat would have more kittens in its litter than his neighbors cat. An like wen he bet his dog could swim across the lake three times faster than anyone in the county. No matter what it was, though, that Smiley sure did like to bet, and it didn’t matter what it was, he’d bet and bet it all. He loved bettin’! Hey, did I ever tell you the one about the Jumping Frog of Calaveras County? Well see, Smiley had this frog……”

CONTINUATION OF THE NOTORIOUS JUMPING FROG OF CALAVERAS COUNTY